Today I want to be completely honest with you. Yesterday, I spoke about knowing God as my protector, and that\u2019s a truth I hold deeply in my heart. I have no doubt that God shields me. But there\u2019s an area I really struggle with, and that\u2019s accepting that God loves me. It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t know He loves; it\u2019s that I have trouble truly believing it for myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As I was reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 this morning, which talks about God\u2019s unconditional love, I couldn\u2019t help but feel conflicted. Growing up, my relationship with the men in my life\u2014beginning with my father\u2014was marked by absence and emotional distance. My father was passive and absent, and my brothers, after our mother passed, grew resentful because they saw me as trying to fill her role, yet they reminded me I could never replace her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Later, I was in a deeply abusive relationship with someone who constantly told me I was unworthy of love, unattractive, and would never find anyone who would love me. These words crushed me, building this painful narrative in my mind about love and worth. The fact that all these people who hurt me were men complicated how I perceive God as my Father.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I remember learning in a discipleship class that our relationship with our earthly father can influence how we see God. Since my experience with men in my life has been so loveless, it\u2019s challenging for me to accept that God loves me genuinely. I know, intellectually, that God\u2019s love is true\u2014I\u2019ve read the Bible cover to cover many times, and I can counsel others confidently that God loves them. Yet, when I read verses about His love for me, they often don\u2019t reach my heart in the same way. I still have trouble believing He loves me as Kate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because of this struggle, I tend to keep people at a distance, especially men. It\u2019s hard for me to accept compliments or kind gestures, especially anything to do with love. I know God has a lot of work to do in my heart before I can truly accept love\u2014whether from Him or even from a human being. And while I do believe that one day I\u2019ll marry someone who will love me genuinely, I think God needs to do a deep healing work in me first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For those who often compliment me or tell me I\u2019m beautiful, know that it\u2019s something I hear but often struggle to internalise. It\u2019s a compliment that I feel should have come first from my father, yet I never heard it from him, not once. Fathers have such an important role in shaping their daughters\u2019 self-worth and confidence, especially during major life transitions\u2014from girlhood to young adulthood, and from young adulthood to marriage and motherhood. When a father isn\u2019t there or doesn\u2019t affirm his daughter, there\u2019s a void that can be hard to fill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
During group therapy, I was encouraged to believe that God can fill that role, but honestly, it\u2019s not easy. Reading about God\u2019s love for me, after a lifetime of struggling to feel loved by men, remains challenging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One of my favourite chapters in the Bible is Psalm 91 because it speaks powerfully about God\u2019s protection. I am rarely drawn to verses that talk about God\u2019s love for me because, deep down, I struggle to believe they apply to me. Believing that God\u2014or any \u201che\u201d\u2014could truly love me is difficult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To relate to God as a loving Father, people often say you need to have a positive relationship with your earthly father. But in my life, that has been a challenge. My daughter faces a similar situation, lacking a present father figure. My brothers are distant, and her own father isn\u2019t involved, so she also doesn\u2019t experience that stability. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, there is one man in my life who has stepped in as a father figure for both of us. Since my mum passed away, he has been the one to guide, support, and care for us. Recently, when my daughter had an allergic reaction, he helped us get her to the hospital. Thinking about all he\u2019s done fills me with gratitude and often moves me to tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And yet, this makes it even harder for me to believe in God\u2019s love. I find myself telling my daughter that God is her Father and that He loves her unconditionally, even though I personally struggle to believe that for myself. She can sense my own doubts, despite my efforts to instil this faith in her. It\u2019s not easy\u2014trying to pass on a belief I am still learning to grasp myself. I trust, however, that as I keep growing, God will lead us both to a place of deeper belief in His love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Three and a half months ago, I attended a therapy session with a well-known therapist. By the end, I disliked him so much that I deleted his contact information from my phone. He pointed out a truth I wasn\u2019t ready to accept, a truth that felt too raw to confront at the time. Looking back now, I realise he was only speaking what I\u2019d been avoiding, a reality I\u2019d buried but recognised somewhere deep within. Perhaps my resentment toward him was because he gave voice to something I knew but wasn\u2019t willing to face yet. Today, though, I feel gratitude for what he made me see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He told me that, based on my story, I have a deficit in love and nurture. It\u2019s a hard truth to hear. My mother died when I was 17, leaving a deep gap in nurturing that I needed at that age. My father, while physically present (alive), became emotionally absent after her passing, leaving a void in love. I feel the weight of these words even now; they resonate with a part of me that has struggled to trust in love and care from others\u2014or even from God. I pray God heals this part of me, this part still carrying the impact of loss, so I can truly believe in His love and care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve learned to allow God to protect me; it\u2019s something I can grasp because I\u2019ve seen glimpses of my father\u2019s protective side. When I was in trouble, he would appear fiercely to defend me, only to retreat again into his absence. So, I understand God as a protector, someone who shields me. But allowing God, or anyone, to love or care for me is a challenge I am still navigating. I trust that God will continue working on my heart so I can open myself to the love and nurture I need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thank you for letting me share this. I hope you understand that it\u2019s just me being honest with you. It\u2019s a journey, and I\u2019m still learning to accept God\u2019s love in a personal way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have a beautiful day. \ud83d\udda4<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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